The Sun Chronicle
FARINELLA: Place generic column here
BY MARK FARINELLA SUN CHRONICLE STAFF
Saturday, February 17, 2007
EDITOR'S NOTE: Because of past confusion over whether the information contained within some of these columns is factual or fanciful, the writer has offered the disclaimer that if you can't figure out that this is a fantasy, you're just not paying attention.
GENERIC CITY-A – One of the last bastions of political incorrectness fell early this morning when Generic High School-A, previously known as Attleboro High School, agreed to drop its sports mascot in favor of a more benign identity.
However, the decision was not without controversy.
Generic High-A has chosen "Air" as its new sports identity, but immediately came under fire from activists who claimed that the new name was elitist in nature and was offensive to those who believe the human race has more of a physical and spiritual connection with water or earth.
"We find that elevating 'Air' to a position of favor over the ground or the water leads to unrealistic expectations for our children that they can leave their earthbound existence," said local activist 1011101-X, who asked to be identified only by his federal personal binary code to avoid establishing ethnic or racial overtones to his comments.
The previous identity of GHS-A, the "Fuzzy Bunnies," had been assailed for years by critics who believed it to be offensive to animals, or evocative of the prodigious reproductive capabilities of rabbits, and therefore a poor example for children to follow.
"Clearly, the residents of this area have finally become enlightened in the struggle for animal rights," said Feather Wildflower, a representative of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, the activist organization that successfully masterminded passage of the 38th Amendment to the Constitution of the Temporary States Harboring Non-Indigenous Peoples of America (formerly the United States of America), which banned the consumption of meat products six years ago.
Several names had been proposed as the new GHS-A nickname, including "Soft Pillows," "Fighting Marshmallows" and a combination of six letters chosen randomly that spelled out nothing in any of the planet's accepted languages.
In each instance, the city was flooded with complaints about the inferences posed by each nickname. The National Society of Insomniacs complained that "Soft Pillows" was insulting and insensitive to its membership's plight. "Fighting Marshmallows" drew complaints from anti-violence groups and dietary activists who are seeking passage of the 39th Amendment to ban sugar products, and the randomly-chosen-letter mascot was opposed by verbal-communication activists and by advocates for each individual letter, who claimed they were offended by one letter being placed in order ahead of another.
City officials, respectful of groups that oppose public speaking as a means of attempting to impose thought control, refused comment on the newly-chosen nickname. But one local elder didn't hesitate to speak out in opposition to the process that has wiped practically all forms of individual identity off the books.
"I warned people 40 years ago that this would happen," said Mark Farinella, 93, of Generic Town-M. "But did anyone listen to me then? You bet your life they didn't."
Farinella, wearing a shirt emblazoned with the inscription, "I'm Still A Hornet," was formerly a sportswriter for The Sun Chronicle, a newspaper that existed for more than 100 years before the Sanitized News Act of 2021 eliminated all sources of information other than the Internet-based National Information Compilation Engine (NICE).
"In those days, we just wrote the news," he said. "We didn't worry a lot about who was offended by what because it wasn't the intent to offend anyone just by adding a mascot or a nickname to your school's name. People were sensitive about a lot of things back in those days, but they hadn't started to take it to ridiculous levels until they started forcing the schools to drop their nicknames because they might offend somebody.
"I can remember when this burg was called Attleboro," he said, using the regional name that was dropped as a mandate of the federal Togetherness Act of 2031. "And they used to play North Attleboro in real football on Thanksgiving, not something called Happy Powder Ball against North Generic Town-A on the Federal Day of Apology to the Indigenous Peoples."
Reminded that too many references to pre-enlightenment town names and events were violations of federal law, Farinella said, "So what are they going to do, arrest me? Arresting and incarcerating criminals was deemed unconstitutional in 2017."
Farinella said that the first nicknames to fall were from Foxboro (Generic Town-F), Seekonk (Generic Town-S) and the King Philip school district in Generic Towns W, N and P.
"They were called 'Warriors,'" he said. "Sure, they stemmed from Native American backgrounds, but no one thought they were offending anyone when they were chosen."
All of the towns in the area eventually chose less-offensive nicknames, then dropped names entirely for color-based identities (primarily gray and non-reflective beige), except for the King Philip towns, which adopted the real name of the 1600s chief of the Wampanoag tribe, Metacom, as their new identity. The school district seceded from the former United States in 2026 and became an independent nation to preserve its identity.
"I never saw anything wrong with Warriors playing Hornets, or Bombardiers playing Rocketeers," Farinella sighed. "But when people started finding something offensive with almost anything, it got to the point where you couldn't say 'boo' without ticking someone off."
The word 'boo' was banned in 2019 as being offensive to people who were easily frightened.
Generic High-A athletes said they would try to make the most of their new nickname as they begin play next season in the new Generic League, in which all schools will be guaranteed winning records.
"I guess we can say that by grasping for 'Air,' we'll try to reach for the sky," said Missy Johnsperson, a member of the GHS-A non-competitive track and field team. "I can say that, can't I? Maybe I can't. I just don't know anymore."
MARK FARINELLA may be reached at 508-236-0315 or via e-mail at mfarinel@thesunchronicle.com.